One of my favorite things to do is get out and be active with my kiddos. In many ways I feel like I’m grooming them to be my hiking/biking buddies as we grow older. Unfortunately, this year I’ve been plagued with a bad case of plantar fasciitis along with other foot injuries that have kept me from hiking as much as I’d like but biking seems to be fine.
On this adventure we took a leisurely ride on the Centennial Trail out to the Nakashima Barn in Arlington, Washington. The weather was partly cloudy so it wasn’t too hot and the breeze felt good as we rode through the wind.
We rode over Pilchuck Creek. It looks pretty dry this time of year but still lots of greenery in the Evergreen State.
Cassidy was in cross country this year but even with a foot injury I was still able to stay ahead pretty easily. Of course, I wouldn’t let her get too far behind. 😉
After a 45 minute ride and upon reaching our destination it was time to turn back. These little one-on-one trips allow for good father/daughter dialogue to take place. As Isabella gets older I look forward to doing the same with her.
The historical Nakashima Barn makes for a unique landmark for the ride along the Centennial Trail. I’m sure this will become a regular ride for the family in the years to come and for good reason. It’s relatively quiet, located near our home, there’s always lots to see and the air is always fresh when riding through all the grasses, flowers and trees along the way. Can’t wait for our next trip.
Hey Brett, I am a single mom with two little kids and my boyfriend is living with the Australian army. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for a while now and we’ll we are figuring out how to live together. Unfortunately we don’t have a K1 visa over here, but we are a little anxious on getting everything together, like visa, financials, jobs, and I am also anxious about introducing my children to him. We are close knit and unfortunately I lost the rights to the dad for the kids to live with me but I have unlimited visitation rights and my kids live with me once a week, but there is some anxiety in terms of getting the kids adjusting to a new person in their life and worried if they would not be able to adjust or feel uncomfortable and feel left out. I guess I want to understand from your experience or some advice you could give us in terms of Cassidy adjusting to Daya and being a family together and also some advice on taking the plunge and just having him move here, leave his country and job and start fresh, there’s a lot of doubt and uncertainties but something in us just tells us to take the plunge and work things out as it happens. What do you think? Sorry if its too much rambling and don’t make sense lol. Hugs to you, Daya, Cassidy and Izzy 😀 love you guys 😀
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Hi Erika! It looks like you’re about to go on an exciting journey yourself! I’d be glad to offer some advice regarding everything you inquired about. I can say though, you’re definitely thinking about all the right things: visa, finances, jobs and family dynamics. Daya and I have faced all of these things head on and some of these issues have put our marriage at risk. They are very important issues so lets dig in!
1. Visa: As arduous and daunting as it will feel, this may actually be the easiest obstacle you face as a couple. The papers are all pretty straight forward and make sure you put reminders in your phone so that nothing gets missed or forgotten. The Trump administration has taken particularly hard stance on immigration which includes K-1 visa applicants. Five years ago I’d say you could probably fill out all the paperwork on your own and be okay. We made mistakes and the USCIS was very forgiving. They simply paused our status, returned our paperwork and told us what we needed to fix. As soon as we did, we mailed it back and were back on course. The new administration has changed that. They can now simply reject your application for any error whatsoever. The key word is “can”. I’m not saying they will but hiring an immigration attorney might be in your best interest.
2. Finances: This is a big one and has been a major area of contention in our relationship. The key here is to talk about future goals and what it will take to get there. If you plan on having kids, discuss how that would impact the strategy. Do you plan on having a single income household? Dual income? How long would you take off work? Where would you live? What about retirement? You’ve been contributing to Social Security (it will be bankrupt by the time we need it) and presumably a 401k retirement plan or some sort of IRA. If not, get on it. If your fiancé has a similar thing in his country he’ll need to decide whether he’s going to keep that plan or go with an American plan once eligible. Set up a meeting with a financial advisor for more details. If you decide to have kids together, I’d also suggest talking about a college savings plan right away. I didn’t start with Cassidy until she was 8 and now I feel like I’m running in circles. LOL. Retirement and childrens’ college savings are the two things I NEVER hear people talk about and they are huge topics. Stay ahead of the rest and keep these on your radar for a less stressful future.
Another point to consider in regards to finances is driver’s license fees, training if needed, the fact that your fiancé will show having a 0 credit score which can impacts loans or home rentals. We got Daya a credit card from our credit union. She had to put down a security deposit of $500 to get started but before we knew it, her credit score continued to rise. The key there is just making sure you’re paying the full balance every month because those fees are pocket drainers.
3: Jobs: Another big one. Again, good job pointing out extremely important topics. I’m going to assume your fiancé plans on working. I don’t know his level of education or his skill set so I’ll keep this one in general terms. For the most part, the bigger the city, the better the chances of higher income. Currently, the US average median household income is $53,000 a year. You can do a quick google search on the median household income in your area for more accurate results. Per the K-1 visa laws, you as the petitioner will be required to earn 125% of the federal poverty guideline which is currently listed at $16,910 for a family of two. For 2019, the minimum a petitioner can earn is $21,138. My personal opinion is to aim as high as you can. If your fiancé has a college degree from Australia, don’t waste any time finding out what he needs to do to make sure it applies here. Perhaps there are some classes he needs to take, a certificate, etc. Do that right away.
4: Family Dynamics: This is my favorite topic and yet it’s posed such a challenge to us. You mentioned you’re a close-knit family. That’s a great foundation to start on because when times get hard (and they will), you will be thankful for having that foundation. A couple tips I’d like to throw out there are: Never undermine your fiancé in front of your kids. The same goes for him with you. If there is ever an issue do your very best to wait until you can talk alone with your soon-to-be-husband. No yelling, no cursing in front of the kids. Sadly, even with me knowing this, I still messed up recently. Daya was talking to Cassidy about something we needed to work on with her. What Daya didn’t realize is that I had already had the same discussion with Cassidy earlier that day so when she heard it from Daya in more frank terms she started crying. I went into papa grizzly mode and by the end of it Daya was telling me she was moving back to the Philippines. There were a number of things that went wrong and after a few minutes to cool off I apologized in front of the whole family for exploding. Daya and I also talked privately about how to make sure that never happens again. Had we not had a solid foundation to start with, I know Daya would be long gone by now. Luckily from the beginning we talked about what was important to us which was, God, love and family. Part of Daya’s patience also come from the fact that she knows I come from a background of abuse and to this day I still show signs of PTSD. I see a really good counselor and we’re working through all that garbage from the past. I only bring that up because as embarrassed as I am about my past and how adversely it affected me, I know I can’t be alone in this struggle. I see marriages dissolve constantly and I know the impact it has on the children. So many people are afraid to talk about their struggles because our social media culture seems to attract vultures who prey on the weak. It’s a catch 22 though because when we can’t talk about our struggles the issues in our society continue to persist. The vultures are the king of the social media jungle so for those of us that truly want to address real issues, we just look for other avenues to spread the message. Sorry for my own rant here but like I said earlier, family is so important to me as it appears is to you too. When it comes to kids, they are resilient little buggers. They will get used to your new husband. I’m sure he’s a very nice man who will be there to support them along the way. As long as mommy’s happy, they are happy.
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It posted my comment before I was finished. In closing, I’d like to say best of luck to you and your family. This is certainly a big adventure that isn’t made from everyone. I know I threw a lot at you as far as tasks go but these are all things I wish I had a crystal ball to see on my own when we started. The first few years will be hectic and crazy busy but I assure you, don’t take your foot off that gas and it will all pay off. DO take vacations every now and then though. It’s always nice to step away from the chaos to get reenergized and recalibrated. Best of luck to you guys!!! —Brett
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Hi Brett!! Firstly, I want to thank you for taking your time to read and reply my questions above. I truly appreciate it, and all the tips and advice you provided above was really useful, and it gave us a lot to think and plan. Looking into our situation right now, its not going to be until a few years until we establish a solid foundation in terms of financials, jobs, a home and living together, but it definitely gives us a head start of what we should be working on. Its tough though because we are just so desperately wanting to be together in each other arms, and long distance has been hard, especially with him being in the military, there has been months and weeks in a year where I dont hear from him at all, as they are not allowed their phones for communication, and those moments are really tough, but we definitely want to make our future a strong one, so we really appreciate your advice.
I also want to apologize if this makes you uncomfortable with me replying here in the comments, on the blog, with the back and forth. If you prefer another way of communication, you can also email me if you like. I dont know how to post an email here, but I’m willing to give it to you if you like, I dont really want to spam your blog comments and cause any awkwardness of any kind but I truly appreciate all your time to read and reply so far, it really means so much to me.
I realized I have left some things out from my first comment which could cause the misunderstanding. I am from Malaysia and my soon to be husband is from Australia, to be honest, he has never officially proposed yet, but we have talks on our future, and what does it takes to be together. My boyfriend is currently working in the australian army, and our plans is for him to move here with me in my country in Malaysia , as I have my 2 little kids here, and I do not want to seperate them from their father if we have to move overseas, also its a lot cheaper to live here compared to australia which is 3x the currency here to move the entire family. I want to keep the kids both close to their mom and their dad. Nevertheless though, visas here and the rules are a lot of paperwork and rules, and yes they are so valid in terms of what you adviced above.
After high school graduation, my boyfriend has decided to enlist himself in the army and he has been in the army ever since, therefore in terms of the education level, his highest qualification he has is his high school diploma, and in terms of my country having a job with just a diploma is really hard, there are jobs for sure, but the salary wise is really low, its something we need to figure out and well he is not interested to get a degree or study more because it will cost thousands, although thats the easiest route. We are both not really financially strong at the moment. Throughout his last divorce, he has lost most of his money to his ex wife and assets, therefore its a struggle. Complicated situation eh? But we’re not giving up yet 🙂 Although the whole world seems to be telling us otherwise.
Reality speaking though, his job with the army pays him well, and he has seniority in his job, he really enjoys his job, and it makes him anxious to make a big change, he wants to do it, but he is quite anxious about it, as it would be a whole big major change. I do understand his point too, so I am not pushing him at the moment, we could be just in a long distance relationship visiting each other on a worst case scenario.
And also, thank you for sharing me about your background about abuse. It must have been hard to write about it , and I just want to give you the biggest hug. I want to let you know, there is nothing to be ashamed of about your past. Your past has made you a stronger person today, and nothing about your past defines who you are. Its you who define who you are, and you are Brett Otto 🙂 Nobody could define you or make you feel less than who you are.
I want to also share about my background if you dont mind, and I totally understand especially on the PTSD end. I was abused since I was young and I was also abused in my last marriage. I was frowned upon by my parents and my own family, and up to today, I dont know the reasons on why I am being frowned upon. I grew up not knowing what love is, I never received a hug , a kiss from my parents, and I was continually criticized, beaten, punished, hurt and I was constantly living with fear. I remembered being fearful for everything in my life, and everyone seems to be hating me. I grew up to be an anxious, awkward, introvert kid. My best friends were probably my own pillow. I talked so much to my own pillows growing up. I grew up not knowing how to love myself, and feeling like I’m not good enough, feel unworthiness, and always having moments of loneliness, feelings of numbs and sadness and just wanting to be as normal as everyone else.
In my last marriage, my ex husband continuously abused me emotionally and eventually I felt like I lost myself, as in I dont know who I am anymore and I was living in constant fear. It was until I was pregnant with my children that I learnt about unconditional love, how precious they are, and how to protect them with all my life and about that time something in me, just tells me I need to be strong for them, so I took a massive effort every day in trying to get better and love myself more. Luckily in my journey, I had met a few friends who unconditionally loved me and helped me throughout. I also agree with you on how social media and judgement is, I miss the good old days of emails, and blogs, and my personal favourite today is scrolling through reddit. Being an introvert that I am, I found a few people there who has helped me so much to heal and be a stronger person that I am and also a few really close friends who helped me realized that I’m worthy and that I am strong and that I’m doing the best that I can. Music also helped me a lot. With PTSD, I totally understand, I am still going through it myself, I think with abuse, a huge part of us has been stripped off and its very hard to bounce back, but I am proud of you for working toward getting better, I am actually very proud for the moment that you shared about it with me. There’s nothing to be ashamed about, and its just a part of our past. Every step you are taking, every time you fight the thoughts in your head, is an achievement and I am so proud of you. Also remember, there will be days and moments and minutes where it suddenly hits you, that you feel sad, or you just want to cry, and that’s okay. Its really okay, what we went through isnt easy one bit, and dont fight those feelings, they are emotions closely connected through our heart, and doesnt make us any weaker by embracing those feelings when they arise.
Its been years since I was abused and I want to let you know that both my parents and my ex husband no longer abuse me, things are getting more peaceful, however, there’s always this case where I couldn’t really emotionally connect to this person, or really open up due to what has happened. However, I have worked on myself to be a much stronger person throughout the years, I have learned how to love myself and the people around me in the process, and things have been going great with my children. There was a part you mentioned earlier about how you became “papa grizzly”, about an incident with Daya and Cassidy and how you apologized a while later. I can relate to that situation very well. Living here in Asia, parents and families have a perception of toughen up and discipline for the kids, they want to toughen kids up so the kids are prepared for the future hardships, as for western cultures, we are more into trying to nurturing, trying to understand the kids, being in their shoes, and raising them. Its a culture difference, and my kids is a lot like Daya in terms of frankness of raising the kids, as for me though I am different. I think what helps is having to emotionally check in with our kids always, I always ask them how are you feeling, how is your day, and if they’re happy and encourage them to open up, and sometimes I open up to them too, to build this trust with them to tell them I can be vulnerable too, and that I’m not perfect and I go through emotions too, but at the end of the day, its what we can do as a team to work this out together. You and Daya are wonderful parents, and Izzy and Cassidy are amazing kids 🙂
I wish you a beautiful day and here’s a big hug , remember you’re Brett Otto!! Dont let anyone make you feel lesser than who you are because you’re pretty awesome!
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Erika, I find it so amazing that someone from clear across the world follows our journey. I think everything will sort itself out in your situation. I’m certainly rooting for you guys! Thank you so much for the insight on Asian culture. It’s so true that there are cultural misunderstandings that take place. Thankfully I have an extremely understanding wife who knows how to help blend our ways of doing things. It’s quite fascinating really. Thank you too for sharing your background. I found myself relating to your story in so many ways which reaffirms my beliefs that nothing happens by accident. We went through what we went through for a reason. I’m hoping one day I can finally talk openly about my past so that others can stand up and talk about theirs such as what you just did. That was the first time I’ve mentioned anything publicly like that and it feels like I’ve finally healed enough to start talking about it. It sounds like you are an incredible mother to your children. They are very blessed to have someone that nurtures them and cares so much about how they’re feeling. It seems that no matter what culture we come from, love is a universal language we all seem to understand. How awesome is it that from separate parts of the world we can talk about the love we have for our children as if we’re next door neighbors? You mentioned about connecting via email. I’ll have to set up an email address. I only have one main address and it shows 238 unopened emails. I’m afraid yours would get lost in with all that. Lol. I’ll try to set up an email for the blog and put the address up. It’s been great interacting with you and I hope you keep me posted on your journey. Thank you for all the kind words!!!
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Hey there neighbor from across the world 🙂 I hope you are having an amazing day today. Thank you again for taking your time to read and replying to above, I truly appreciate and it really makes me smile seeing you would root for us 🙂 Rooting in australian slang means something totally different lol, and more to that I will explain in emails soon 🙂
It reminded me of the first time I started to text my boyfriend way back then when I first knew him, and he was telling me about something he was working on, and I replied “I’m rooting for you”, and he replied “I’m so looking forward to it :)” It wasnt until weeks later I found out what that word was and we had a big laugh over it 🙂 Back to american slang, I’m very much rooting for both you and Daya too, you both are a beautiful couple, amazing parents and a great strong family structure. You both are one of the couples that really inspire and gives us hope to go against all odds and look forward for our future together. Thank you for sharing all your posts and your journey, I want to let you know that if me from across the world could read it, I am sure lots of others are reading it too, and you are inspiring many people around the world, so dont be discouraged if you dont see any comments in your posts because we do read and enjoy them 🙂
Having the courage to speak up about our past requires a lot of strength within , and I am so proud of you for taking the first step towards the healing process. I’d like to help you if you let me, anytime you feel like talking, or if you are having a bad day, or those thoughts creeping in even though it might not make any sense, I would be here to listen and provide a virtual hug. Throughout my journey of self discovery and healing, writing helps me a whole lot, particularly writing to someone who sincerely listens and are willing to help, I am fortunate to have true friends who have helped me in my healing process and is still continuing to help me in my journey, and for that anytime you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here 🙂 Virtual hugs 🙂 I’m not 100% healed, as well I have PTSD still, but I am on my journey to be a better person and stronger person everyday. Its every little step we take that matters. Dont worry and push too hard either in the journey of self healing, its really tough, there would be good days and bad days, but regardless at the end of the day there’s always light in the tunnel, and you are not alone.
Thank you again for wanting to setup the email account, I am really looking forward to share lots of pictures about us, to share more about our journey and to also to share with you about my kids. They remind me every day about unconditional love and how thankful I am to have them in my life, I wish the very best to you, Daya and your beautiful family, and I’m looking forward to talk to you soon via email 🙂
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