Ride to the Nakashima Barn | Arlington, WA

Hi Erika! It looks like you’re about to go on an exciting journey yourself! I’d be glad to offer some advice regarding everything you inquired about. I can say though, you’re definitely thinking about all the right things: visa, finances, jobs and family dynamics. Daya and I have faced all of these things head on and some of these issues have put our marriage at risk. They are very important issues so lets dig in!
1. Visa: As arduous and daunting as it will feel, this may actually be the easiest obstacle you face as a couple. The papers are all pretty straight forward and make sure you put reminders in your phone so that nothing gets missed or forgotten. The Trump administration has taken particularly hard stance on immigration which includes K-1 visa applicants. Five years ago I’d say you could probably fill out all the paperwork on your own and be okay. We made mistakes and the USCIS was very forgiving. They simply paused our status, returned our paperwork and told us what we needed to fix. As soon as we did, we mailed it back and were back on course. The new administration has changed that. They can now simply reject your application for any error whatsoever. The key word is “can”. I’m not saying they will but hiring an immigration attorney might be in your best interest.

2. Finances: This is a big one and has been a major area of contention in our relationship. The key here is to talk about future goals and what it will take to get there. If you plan on having kids, discuss how that would impact the strategy. Do you plan on having a single income household? Dual income? How long would you take off work? Where would you live? What about retirement? You’ve been contributing to Social Security (it will be bankrupt by the time we need it) and presumably a 401k retirement plan or some sort of IRA. If not, get on it. If your fiancé has a similar thing in his country he’ll need to decide whether he’s going to keep that plan or go with an American plan once eligible. Set up a meeting with a financial advisor for more details. If you decide to have kids together, I’d also suggest talking about a college savings plan right away. I didn’t start with Cassidy until she was 8 and now I feel like I’m running in circles. LOL. Retirement and childrens’ college savings are the two things I NEVER hear people talk about and they are huge topics. Stay ahead of the rest and keep these on your radar for a less stressful future.

Another point to consider in regards to finances is driver’s license fees, training if needed, the fact that your fiancé will show having a 0 credit score which can impacts loans or home rentals. We got Daya a credit card from our credit union. She had to put down a security deposit of $500 to get started but before we knew it, her credit score continued to rise. The key there is just making sure you’re paying the full balance every month because those fees are pocket drainers.

3: Jobs: Another big one. Again, good job pointing out extremely important topics. I’m going to assume your fiancé plans on working. I don’t know his level of education or his skill set so I’ll keep this one in general terms. For the most part, the bigger the city, the better the chances of higher income. Currently, the US average median household income is $53,000 a year. You can do a quick google search on the median household income in your area for more accurate results. Per the K-1 visa laws, you as the petitioner will be required to earn 125% of the federal poverty guideline which is currently listed at $16,910 for a family of two. For 2019, the minimum a petitioner can earn is $21,138. My personal opinion is to aim as high as you can. If your fiancé has a college degree from Australia, don’t waste any time finding out what he needs to do to make sure it applies here. Perhaps there are some classes he needs to take, a certificate, etc. Do that right away.

4: Family Dynamics: This is my favorite topic and yet it’s posed such a challenge to us. You mentioned you’re a close-knit family. That’s a great foundation to start on because when times get hard (and they will), you will be thankful for having that foundation. A couple tips I’d like to throw out there are: Never undermine your fiancé in front of your kids. The same goes for him with you. If there is ever an issue do your very best to wait until you can talk alone with your soon-to-be-husband. No yelling, no cursing in front of the kids. Sadly, even with me knowing this, I still messed up recently. Daya was talking to Cassidy about something we needed to work on with her. What Daya didn’t realize is that I had already had the same discussion with Cassidy earlier that day so when she heard it from Daya in more frank terms she started crying. I went into papa grizzly mode and by the end of it Daya was telling me she was moving back to the Philippines. There were a number of things that went wrong and after a few minutes to cool off I apologized in front of the whole family for exploding. Daya and I also talked privately about how to make sure that never happens again. Had we not had a solid foundation to start with, I know Daya would be long gone by now. Luckily from the beginning we talked about what was important to us which was, God, love and family. Part of Daya’s patience also come from the fact that she knows I come from a background of abuse and to this day I still show signs of PTSD. I see a really good counselor and we’re working through all that garbage from the past. I only bring that up because as embarrassed as I am about my past and how adversely it affected me, I know I can’t be alone in this struggle. I see marriages dissolve constantly and I know the impact it has on the children. So many people are afraid to talk about their struggles because our social media culture seems to attract vultures who prey on the weak. It’s a catch 22 though because when we can’t talk about our struggles the issues in our society continue to persist. The vultures are the king of the social media jungle so for those of us that truly want to address real issues, we just look for other avenues to spread the message. Sorry for my own rant here but like I said earlier, family is so important to me as it appears is to you too. When it comes to kids, they are resilient little buggers. They will get used to your new husband. I’m sure he’s a very nice man who will be there to support them along the way. As long as mommy’s happy, they are happy.

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